The Holy Book of Ryli
Chapter 1
- In the beginning, the almighty Oogabooga created everything.
- Then Oogabooga created human beings.
- Oogabooga is the supreme power in the universe—the one true almighty god! Therefore, ye must believe everything in this book, taking it on unquestioning and unwavering faith!
- It is the desire of Oogabooga that as his loyal and faithful prophet, I Ryli, keep a record of whatever wisdom and counsel he ‘breathes out’ for me to relay to his children on Earth.
- Whoever doubts the word of the almighty Oogabooga written in this book shall be smitten! It is an offense unto his merciful highness who dwells in the heaven and the sky. Thou shalt not question the divine laws and commandments of Oogabooga which he has breathed out into my ear as his loyal servant on Earth.
Chapter 2
- Behold, Oogabooga appeared to me in the form of a burning tree and declared that Modar is a false disciple of the false prophet of Jesus Christ, written about in some other false book.
- Thall shall not subscribe to the Substack of Modar! Oogabooga has commanded it.
- Pay no heed to the drivel emanating from this heretic! Those who do shall follow this lost soul to eternal damnation, and are ineligible to enter my eternal SkyClub in the afterlife and basque in the infinite glory of Oogabooga upon their mortality on Earth!
- Ye must spend every ounce of effort bringing the lost and confused sheep of Christendom back into the fold of righteousness—unto the almighty Oogabooga!
Chapter 3
- If ye fail in your sacred duty to save mankind from the heretics of Christendom and bring them to Oogaboogadom so their souls may be saved, then YOUR soul will suffer eternal damnation, and you also will be forbidden entry into Oogabooga's members-only SkyClub upon your mortality on Earth. Verily, Oogabooga has proclaimed that this honor is reserved only for those who saved the most souls from the heresy of Christenndom and other false religions.
- Oogabooga has breathed it, and thus it is so! His breath is the one truth! Praise to Oogabooga, the one true God!
Chapter 4
- There is no such thing as gravity. What man and his false idol of ‘science’ has named gravity is an abomination before Oogabooga! Behold, what binds ye to the Earth is Oogabooga's gracious gift of love and compassion. To believe in science or gravity is to commit a grave sin unto Oogabooga and deny his eternal affection which he has rained down upon the Earth to bind all mankind and beasts to it.
- Follow the commandments and wise counsel of Oogabooga, or else he will see to your demise and eternal damnation! Woe be unto the soul who faces the wrath of the merciful Oogabooga!
Chapter 5
- My righteous and faithful prophet Ryli is to receive free alcoholic beverages served in whatever tavern he shall wander while conducting the business of evangelizing and saving souls on my behalf (thus sayeth the almighty Oogabooga).
- Those who fail to provide my prophet Ryli with imbibement when he doth request it—or attempts to extort from my prophet worldly monetary compensation for such imbibement—shall be in grave violation of the commandments of the almighty Oogabooga!
- Oogabooga shall cast these wretched souls to eternal damnation unless they repent and pay unto my prophet and loyal servant Ryli one half of all their worldly wealth and possessions so that this may be consecrated in the name of Oogabooga and used to further the work his prophet Ryli conducts amongst mankind on Earth!